remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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