In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
