i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
