so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
