I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
