I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
