how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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