Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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