Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
