Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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