Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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