So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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