I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Randomize
