anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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