The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
