I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
