I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
