he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
