I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i can't believe i had my finger in that
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
