She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
