Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
