I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Randomize
