i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
