dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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