im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Randomize
