His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
