I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
