Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
