he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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