My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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