Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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