I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important