When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
