I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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