She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
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I feel like death gave me a hand job
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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