My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
