I wish I could teleport
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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