if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
