i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
