Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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