i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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