You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
