broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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