It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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