Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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