We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
