I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
