There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
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Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
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Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
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