Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
