so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Randomize
