I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
