You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
