We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
