is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Randomize
