just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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