I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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