My sheets look like a crime scene.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
