Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Just invented taco cereal.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Randomize
