im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
