Old men and throwing up are my life now.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
did i just pee glitter
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
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