Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
