Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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