Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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