I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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